CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Amelia was always the one for me
But she wouldn't stay
On a warm day
I came home to find
That she had sailed away
Maybe I am broken
In some way, I can tell
I don't wanna change
Lord knows that I need some help
To save me from myself
Cecelia, flowers in her hair
Is like the sun, brought me to light
And I can't tell you for the life of me
Why I chose to let it burn out
I wish I was now
Alone here in my cell
Cause something in my heart
Is making me not feel so well
Won't you save me from myself
I get no sleep
Cause I'm all alone
Like a living shadow
Where there once was more
One cut deep
And the other went sour
And no one's to blame
But I feel so shattered
Maybe I am lacking
Still inside my shell
Cause I keep making waves
And falling victim to the swell
Will you save me from myself?
Please save me from myself
ZAC
Hidden away by himself at the studio in downtown Tulsa, Zac held his cell phone in his hand and stared down at it.
Three days. It had been three days since Zac and Drew had their encounter. And it was all he could think about. It was a constant battle, back and forth with himself. One minute he felt like a horrible, rotten person. Another minute he felt exhilarated and at ease. The exhilaration never lasted long. In actuality, he really was the horrible person he thought he was.
On the other hand, maybe Ike had been right when he had doled out his opinions to him and Tay. Maybe he did owe it to himself to explore this and see where it went. Just to know. It wasn't like he asked her to
leave all those years ago. She's the one who left him, not the other way around.
That was right, he was thinking. She DID leave. So why was he chasing her? Why was he even wasting his time? He was married. Happily. With two children whom he loved dearly. Why should he even try rekindling anything with Drew? Seriously what was the point?
Except for the fact that he couldn't help himself.
Except for the fact that every time he thought about her or heard her voice or read her texts, he became a completely different version of himself and experienced feelings he didn't realize he'd missed.
That night when he'd first laid eyes on her in the restaurant it was all he could do to contain himself in that instant. He felt as if he'd immediately warped via time machine back to years and years ago when the two of
them were young and wild and free. And those three words were exactly how one would describe their relationship back then. They had had so much fun together. He dared say those were the best years of his life.
Why would he want that to go away? Again?
Three days and he hadn't called her. Or texted her. Or anything. She hadn't done either one, either, but he hadn't expected her to. She had her own life in New York. One that didn't involved him. Why should she let a married ex get in her way and bring her down?
He found her number in his phone and called her.
She picked up by the third ring.
"Hey!" He heard her voice, cheerful, on the other end of the phone.
"Hey," he answered. "You probably weren't expecting me to call, huh?"
"Well," Drew responded, hesitantly. "It wasn't that I wasn't expecting you to call. I know you're going through some things. I've been thinking about it, too."
"Drew, the other night. It was a mistake. I don't know what got into me, honestly."
He heard silence on the other end. What had he said wrong already?
"I mean, maybe mistake is too strong a word," Zac continued, rushing to fix whatever he had said. "I just mean--"
"No, you're right," Drew cut him off. "What we did was a mistake. You're a husband and a father. I'm really not interested in playing mistress or home-wrecker. That's not who I am and that's not what I deserve. I have more self-respect than that."
"You are totally, absolutely right," Zac agreed. "I think maybe we should--"
"But I'm not saying I regret it," she finished.
Zac was caught off guard, stunned. And a little speechless. "Um...I...don't totally regret it, either..."
"Really..."
"Well...not totally. I honestly couldn't help myself. I mean, I saw you and you took my breath. Really. And then it was like we were us again. For that night you and I were the old us. And I missed it. I've been missing it."
"So have I."
"Why did you leave?"
"What?" Drew asked, puzzled.
"All those years ago. When you made the decision to move to New York. Why? Why did you do it?"
"Zac, you know why. You were there, you helped me peel Mel off the ground. She didn't need to be around Tay or Tulsa anymore--"
"No," Zac said. "Why did YOU leave? YOU made the decision to up and move. Why?"
Drew sighed. "Honestly, Zac?"
"Yes."
"The truth is, I was ready. It had absolutely nothing to do with you at all. I didn't want to end it with you, but I had to. I needed to move on with my life and New York is where I wanted my life to go. Zac, there was no way I could spend the rest of my life following my boyfriend's band around all over the place. What kind of a career is that? I wanted to dance. I wanted to model, and act. I loved you. But I had to learn to love me more."
"We didn't have to break up over it. I was accustomed to traveling. We could have made it work."
"Seriously? We were young. You weren't even 18 yet. Hell, if Mel and Tay couldn't even make THEIR relationship work, did you really think that there would be any hope for us?"
"Yes. Yes, I did. Cause we weren't Mel and Tay. We didn't fight all the time and get jealous of each other and ride on that relationship rollercoaster hell. You and I were free. We were best friends and we were young and we were free. And we had what it took to make it work. But you chose to leave and I never understood why."
Drew's voice suddenly took an annoyed tone. "Are you really making this all about you? I didn't realize that my entire life was supposed to have been planned around you. And did you even try to stop me? Did
you ask me to stay? Once?"
Recalling that day, he realized she was right. He hadn't even thought about stopping her. Because he was young and he was stupid. "No. I didn't, you're right. And I should have. But we're back in each other's lives NOW. Don't you think we owe it to ourselves NOW to figure out what version of us it's time to be?"
"I'll tell you what version we're NOT going to be. I will NOT sit back here and play hussy home-wrecker mistress while you go off and lead your little double life. I'm here to tell you right now, that will not fly with
me. Dinner was great and the sex was amazing, but maybe the smart thing to do now is to leave it where it is and just stay friends. JUST friends. Nothing more, nothing less."
"I still want to see you."
"Okay, then."
"I don't think I can control myself around you."
"Then stay away."
"I can't."
"Then don't."
"What are we doing here?"
"I don't know."
"How do you feel about it?"
"I already told you how I feel about it," Drew said. "It's on you now to decide if you're going to respect it or not. And I suggest that you do."
"You're amazing."
"I know."
Zac chuckled. "I miss you."
"I miss you, too."
"We're gonna figure this out. I'm gonna behave and we're gonna figure this out."
"Promise?"
"Don't make me promise."
"Promise to try."
"I promise to try to control myself whenever I see you."
"So we're gonna see each other again?"
"Isn't that what we're talking about?"
Drew giggled. "I'm getting confused."
Zac laughed with her. "To be honest, so am I."
They continued their conversation for another half hour before Drew had to go. Another strange number was beeping in and had been several times already.
___________________________________________
I ran into your best friend today
Twelve nights since you ran away
Asked about you and she said can't say, can't say
I'm feeling lonely and it seems to stay
It's been awhile since I felt that way
Well I can tell you there's no room to play this game
All I know is what I'm missing
What I'm missing is your kissing
Are you listening?
Don't go, don't go telling me you're all right
There's no room for getting uptight
Don't go, don't go saying that you're okay
When you're lonely
Baby, don't go telling me we're over
When you know you're my one and only lover
And I won't go saying that we're okay
When we're lost without each other
Cause we're lost without each other
Cause we're lost without each other
Didn't mean to start the last big fight
You never should have hung up that night
All I want to do is make things right
Make it right
Listen, with all the choices that we chose to make
And all the promises we chose to break
We were busy making big mistakes yesterday
All I know is what I'm missing
What I'm missing is your kissing
Are you listening?
Don't go, don't go telling me you're all right
There's no room for getting uptight
Don't go, don't go saying that you're okay
When you're lonely
Baby, don't go telling me we're over
When you know you're my one and only lover
And I won't go saying that we're okay
When we're lost without
I can tell you one thing
We're not better on our own
I'm tired of running
From my feelings
Are you listening?
DREW
Annoyed that she mostly cut her phone conversation short with Zac due to this mystery number constantly beeping in, she switched the call over and huffed into the phone, "Hello?"
"Hey, Drew?"
The voice was familiar. "Who is this?"
"Drew, it's Taylor."
Drew hadn't been this confused in her entire life. What the hell did he want with her? She had nothing to say to him.
"Tay?" She said. "Are you fucking insane?"
"I must be. Everyone keeps asking me that lately."
"So why are you calling me?"
"Look, it's my understanding that you kinda might have a grudge against me for that day with Mel..."
"Kinda? Might?"
"I know," he responded. "I deserve it."
"Tay, I don't think I'm the one you need to be having this conversation with."
"Huh?"
"Mel's the one you hurt. Not me."
"Wait, what? Have you not seen her?"
"We do have lives, you know. She's been home from Tulsa since yesterday but we haven't seen each other or had a chance to talk. I was working when she came home and then she'd already left for her office when I
woke up this morning. Why? She did come home, right?"
"Yeah. Yeah, she went home. No, uh, she and I--we talked. A couple days ago."
"Oh yeah..." Drew recalled. "Yeah, I was on the phone with her when you acted like a douche, beeping your horn outside her mom's house."
Tay laughed sheepishly. "I guess that was a little douchey, huh?"
"It was a lot douchey."
"Anyway, Mel and I had a talk. A long talk. About things that needed to be said, points that needed to be gotten across. All in all, it was a good conversation. I think we've made up and may be on the road to
friendship. I think we got closure."
"Closure, Tay? Do you seriously believe you've had closure?"
"Well...I don't know--that's another conversation. What I'm saying is that she mentioned that you kinda hate me for...you know..."
"I'll be honest, I have lost a lot of respect for you over it. Respect is something you earn and I'll tell you, that day--it went right out the window. And IF Mel respects you again, which I don't know cause I haven't
spoken to her about it yet and believe me, I will, you better feel damn honored for it. Because you've done absolutely nothing to earn it back."
"I understand what you're saying completely. I just want you to be able to forgive me. I've always liked you, you're like family. And Mel doesn't trust anyone more than she trusts you. And I really want to earn your respect and forgiveness again and I want us to be back on the right track as well."
"Well..." Drew hesitated. She didn't really WANT to forgive him or soften up or anything to do him any favors. But he wasn't making it easy.
As if trying to seal the deal, Tay threw in, "I know about you and Zac."
"Fine," Drew said. "You win. You are forgiven and everything is rainbows and unicorns. But if you dare hurt her again or pull another dumbass stunt like you did back then, so help me god..."
He laughed. "I promise. So, maybe next time I come into New York, you and I can grab lunch and maybe seal the deal."
"I already have one of you sneaking off to see me, I don't exactly need to make this a family affair," Drew said, half joking and half serious.
"I think it would be good for all of us to get together again and hang out and catch up, just like old times."
"Yeah, cause Mel and I are totally itching to be best buddies with Natalie and Kate.'
Tay chuckled lightly. "It won't be that bad, I promise. Listen, just think on it and we'll plan something, okay?"
"Okay..."
"And, uh, when you see Mel, tell her...well, you know..."
"I know. It really was good to hear from you."
"I'm just glad you answered."
"Didn't give me much choice."
"It was good talking to you, too. Don't be a stranger."
Drew ended the call with Tay and sat there, looking across her bedroom at nothing in particular. What the hell was happening here?
Amelia was always the one for me
But she wouldn't stay
On a warm day
I came home to find
That she had sailed away
Maybe I am broken
In some way, I can tell
I don't wanna change
Lord knows that I need some help
To save me from myself
Cecelia, flowers in her hair
Is like the sun, brought me to light
And I can't tell you for the life of me
Why I chose to let it burn out
I wish I was now
Alone here in my cell
Cause something in my heart
Is making me not feel so well
Won't you save me from myself
I get no sleep
Cause I'm all alone
Like a living shadow
Where there once was more
One cut deep
And the other went sour
And no one's to blame
But I feel so shattered
Maybe I am lacking
Still inside my shell
Cause I keep making waves
And falling victim to the swell
Will you save me from myself?
Please save me from myself
ZAC
Hidden away by himself at the studio in downtown Tulsa, Zac held his cell phone in his hand and stared down at it.
Three days. It had been three days since Zac and Drew had their encounter. And it was all he could think about. It was a constant battle, back and forth with himself. One minute he felt like a horrible, rotten person. Another minute he felt exhilarated and at ease. The exhilaration never lasted long. In actuality, he really was the horrible person he thought he was.
On the other hand, maybe Ike had been right when he had doled out his opinions to him and Tay. Maybe he did owe it to himself to explore this and see where it went. Just to know. It wasn't like he asked her to
leave all those years ago. She's the one who left him, not the other way around.
That was right, he was thinking. She DID leave. So why was he chasing her? Why was he even wasting his time? He was married. Happily. With two children whom he loved dearly. Why should he even try rekindling anything with Drew? Seriously what was the point?
Except for the fact that he couldn't help himself.
Except for the fact that every time he thought about her or heard her voice or read her texts, he became a completely different version of himself and experienced feelings he didn't realize he'd missed.
That night when he'd first laid eyes on her in the restaurant it was all he could do to contain himself in that instant. He felt as if he'd immediately warped via time machine back to years and years ago when the two of
them were young and wild and free. And those three words were exactly how one would describe their relationship back then. They had had so much fun together. He dared say those were the best years of his life.
Why would he want that to go away? Again?
Three days and he hadn't called her. Or texted her. Or anything. She hadn't done either one, either, but he hadn't expected her to. She had her own life in New York. One that didn't involved him. Why should she let a married ex get in her way and bring her down?
He found her number in his phone and called her.
She picked up by the third ring.
"Hey!" He heard her voice, cheerful, on the other end of the phone.
"Hey," he answered. "You probably weren't expecting me to call, huh?"
"Well," Drew responded, hesitantly. "It wasn't that I wasn't expecting you to call. I know you're going through some things. I've been thinking about it, too."
"Drew, the other night. It was a mistake. I don't know what got into me, honestly."
He heard silence on the other end. What had he said wrong already?
"I mean, maybe mistake is too strong a word," Zac continued, rushing to fix whatever he had said. "I just mean--"
"No, you're right," Drew cut him off. "What we did was a mistake. You're a husband and a father. I'm really not interested in playing mistress or home-wrecker. That's not who I am and that's not what I deserve. I have more self-respect than that."
"You are totally, absolutely right," Zac agreed. "I think maybe we should--"
"But I'm not saying I regret it," she finished.
Zac was caught off guard, stunned. And a little speechless. "Um...I...don't totally regret it, either..."
"Really..."
"Well...not totally. I honestly couldn't help myself. I mean, I saw you and you took my breath. Really. And then it was like we were us again. For that night you and I were the old us. And I missed it. I've been missing it."
"So have I."
"Why did you leave?"
"What?" Drew asked, puzzled.
"All those years ago. When you made the decision to move to New York. Why? Why did you do it?"
"Zac, you know why. You were there, you helped me peel Mel off the ground. She didn't need to be around Tay or Tulsa anymore--"
"No," Zac said. "Why did YOU leave? YOU made the decision to up and move. Why?"
Drew sighed. "Honestly, Zac?"
"Yes."
"The truth is, I was ready. It had absolutely nothing to do with you at all. I didn't want to end it with you, but I had to. I needed to move on with my life and New York is where I wanted my life to go. Zac, there was no way I could spend the rest of my life following my boyfriend's band around all over the place. What kind of a career is that? I wanted to dance. I wanted to model, and act. I loved you. But I had to learn to love me more."
"We didn't have to break up over it. I was accustomed to traveling. We could have made it work."
"Seriously? We were young. You weren't even 18 yet. Hell, if Mel and Tay couldn't even make THEIR relationship work, did you really think that there would be any hope for us?"
"Yes. Yes, I did. Cause we weren't Mel and Tay. We didn't fight all the time and get jealous of each other and ride on that relationship rollercoaster hell. You and I were free. We were best friends and we were young and we were free. And we had what it took to make it work. But you chose to leave and I never understood why."
Drew's voice suddenly took an annoyed tone. "Are you really making this all about you? I didn't realize that my entire life was supposed to have been planned around you. And did you even try to stop me? Did
you ask me to stay? Once?"
Recalling that day, he realized she was right. He hadn't even thought about stopping her. Because he was young and he was stupid. "No. I didn't, you're right. And I should have. But we're back in each other's lives NOW. Don't you think we owe it to ourselves NOW to figure out what version of us it's time to be?"
"I'll tell you what version we're NOT going to be. I will NOT sit back here and play hussy home-wrecker mistress while you go off and lead your little double life. I'm here to tell you right now, that will not fly with
me. Dinner was great and the sex was amazing, but maybe the smart thing to do now is to leave it where it is and just stay friends. JUST friends. Nothing more, nothing less."
"I still want to see you."
"Okay, then."
"I don't think I can control myself around you."
"Then stay away."
"I can't."
"Then don't."
"What are we doing here?"
"I don't know."
"How do you feel about it?"
"I already told you how I feel about it," Drew said. "It's on you now to decide if you're going to respect it or not. And I suggest that you do."
"You're amazing."
"I know."
Zac chuckled. "I miss you."
"I miss you, too."
"We're gonna figure this out. I'm gonna behave and we're gonna figure this out."
"Promise?"
"Don't make me promise."
"Promise to try."
"I promise to try to control myself whenever I see you."
"So we're gonna see each other again?"
"Isn't that what we're talking about?"
Drew giggled. "I'm getting confused."
Zac laughed with her. "To be honest, so am I."
They continued their conversation for another half hour before Drew had to go. Another strange number was beeping in and had been several times already.
___________________________________________
I ran into your best friend today
Twelve nights since you ran away
Asked about you and she said can't say, can't say
I'm feeling lonely and it seems to stay
It's been awhile since I felt that way
Well I can tell you there's no room to play this game
All I know is what I'm missing
What I'm missing is your kissing
Are you listening?
Don't go, don't go telling me you're all right
There's no room for getting uptight
Don't go, don't go saying that you're okay
When you're lonely
Baby, don't go telling me we're over
When you know you're my one and only lover
And I won't go saying that we're okay
When we're lost without each other
Cause we're lost without each other
Cause we're lost without each other
Didn't mean to start the last big fight
You never should have hung up that night
All I want to do is make things right
Make it right
Listen, with all the choices that we chose to make
And all the promises we chose to break
We were busy making big mistakes yesterday
All I know is what I'm missing
What I'm missing is your kissing
Are you listening?
Don't go, don't go telling me you're all right
There's no room for getting uptight
Don't go, don't go saying that you're okay
When you're lonely
Baby, don't go telling me we're over
When you know you're my one and only lover
And I won't go saying that we're okay
When we're lost without
I can tell you one thing
We're not better on our own
I'm tired of running
From my feelings
Are you listening?
DREW
Annoyed that she mostly cut her phone conversation short with Zac due to this mystery number constantly beeping in, she switched the call over and huffed into the phone, "Hello?"
"Hey, Drew?"
The voice was familiar. "Who is this?"
"Drew, it's Taylor."
Drew hadn't been this confused in her entire life. What the hell did he want with her? She had nothing to say to him.
"Tay?" She said. "Are you fucking insane?"
"I must be. Everyone keeps asking me that lately."
"So why are you calling me?"
"Look, it's my understanding that you kinda might have a grudge against me for that day with Mel..."
"Kinda? Might?"
"I know," he responded. "I deserve it."
"Tay, I don't think I'm the one you need to be having this conversation with."
"Huh?"
"Mel's the one you hurt. Not me."
"Wait, what? Have you not seen her?"
"We do have lives, you know. She's been home from Tulsa since yesterday but we haven't seen each other or had a chance to talk. I was working when she came home and then she'd already left for her office when I
woke up this morning. Why? She did come home, right?"
"Yeah. Yeah, she went home. No, uh, she and I--we talked. A couple days ago."
"Oh yeah..." Drew recalled. "Yeah, I was on the phone with her when you acted like a douche, beeping your horn outside her mom's house."
Tay laughed sheepishly. "I guess that was a little douchey, huh?"
"It was a lot douchey."
"Anyway, Mel and I had a talk. A long talk. About things that needed to be said, points that needed to be gotten across. All in all, it was a good conversation. I think we've made up and may be on the road to
friendship. I think we got closure."
"Closure, Tay? Do you seriously believe you've had closure?"
"Well...I don't know--that's another conversation. What I'm saying is that she mentioned that you kinda hate me for...you know..."
"I'll be honest, I have lost a lot of respect for you over it. Respect is something you earn and I'll tell you, that day--it went right out the window. And IF Mel respects you again, which I don't know cause I haven't
spoken to her about it yet and believe me, I will, you better feel damn honored for it. Because you've done absolutely nothing to earn it back."
"I understand what you're saying completely. I just want you to be able to forgive me. I've always liked you, you're like family. And Mel doesn't trust anyone more than she trusts you. And I really want to earn your respect and forgiveness again and I want us to be back on the right track as well."
"Well..." Drew hesitated. She didn't really WANT to forgive him or soften up or anything to do him any favors. But he wasn't making it easy.
As if trying to seal the deal, Tay threw in, "I know about you and Zac."
"Fine," Drew said. "You win. You are forgiven and everything is rainbows and unicorns. But if you dare hurt her again or pull another dumbass stunt like you did back then, so help me god..."
He laughed. "I promise. So, maybe next time I come into New York, you and I can grab lunch and maybe seal the deal."
"I already have one of you sneaking off to see me, I don't exactly need to make this a family affair," Drew said, half joking and half serious.
"I think it would be good for all of us to get together again and hang out and catch up, just like old times."
"Yeah, cause Mel and I are totally itching to be best buddies with Natalie and Kate.'
Tay chuckled lightly. "It won't be that bad, I promise. Listen, just think on it and we'll plan something, okay?"
"Okay..."
"And, uh, when you see Mel, tell her...well, you know..."
"I know. It really was good to hear from you."
"I'm just glad you answered."
"Didn't give me much choice."
"It was good talking to you, too. Don't be a stranger."
Drew ended the call with Tay and sat there, looking across her bedroom at nothing in particular. What the hell was happening here?